In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
