she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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