I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
