we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
