it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
