you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
