We named our party play list daddy issues
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
