i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
