She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
