oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
look no pants
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
