I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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