I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I think I won the penis lottery.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
