i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
