And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
