I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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