when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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