I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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