Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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