i don't plan on having that self control this summer
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
