hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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