You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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