I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
