What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
