i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
