Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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