Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Never underestimate the power of titties
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
