I'm lost and stupid without you.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
