I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
