no, he came in my armpit
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
