I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
