I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
