nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
