I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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