The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
