bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
