My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
