She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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