It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
