I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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