that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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