u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I could fuck to npr.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
