Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
