Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
