theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
