Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
