If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
