remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
