he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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