I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
