I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
