every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You're a waste of cheezeits
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
