I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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