Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
