Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
