i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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